It's Only Me, Wizard of Magicland
by God of Fire
Summary: Harry's life is going downhill when a quick stop at a pub proves most fruitful for not only him, but Hermione as well. *LOTS OF FUNNY STUFF, PEOPLE*


a/n: this fic is based on the song 'it's only me (wizard of magicland)' by the barenaked ladies. great song, and really funny, so go download it. i know i didn't use all the lines of the song, but if you read the ones i DID use, the fic will make more sense. be sure an review since your comments are very much appreciated.  
  
disclaimer: jk rowling's stuff.  
  
  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
'Speaking as a guy who's really got it going on, it's only natural. It's only me.'  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
Harry walked out of Gringotts Bank with a full purse of galleons in his pocket. The day was young, or late depending on what time you got up, and the wind blew freely through the street as he made his way down the stairs. There was a hop in his step and a smile on his face.  
  
As he passed through the alley he stopped at a wizard news stand to grab the latest edition of the Daily Prophet. After all, it was his job to keep up on current events, or so he thought. All he really did was sit at home on his arse with a quill in his hand, sketching out the new ideas for quidditch plays. After all, he was the captain of the Puddlemere United.  
  
Flipping to the sports page he saw that the Wasps were climbing the ranks in standings worldwide. They had just passed the Ireland team and were three away from the top, Puddlemere United. Harry snorted and began to walk away when he saw his face on the cover of a magazine. Witch Weekly, to be precise.  
  
Harry picked up a copy of the magazine, flipping through to the page with his face darting around the paper on a broomstick, the golden snitch held high above his head, clasped securely in his fingers.  
  
"'Harry Potter, the star quidditch player and captain of the Puddlemere United team has been winning hearts worldwide with his stunning smile and handsome face. It's no wonder that he has been chosen as this years most elegible bachelor through the wizarding world'," Harry read softly to himself.  
  
With a groan he tossed the cashier of the stand a few galleons and walked away with his purchases securely tucked under his arm and every woman at the stand lusting after him as he walked away.  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
'Take it from a fella who's been round the block so many times he knows the only parking spot that's free. It's only me.'  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
Harry opened the door to his flat and set his paper and magazine on the table next to the door. He sat his keys down on top and removed his coat, hanging it on the coat rack to his right. With a sigh he walked in the living room and met a very startling, although not surprising sight.  
  
Boxes.  
  
And not just any boxes, boxes full of his girlfriend's things. He flipped the top of one open to see a collection of pictures and the small figurines that she liked to set up in their bedroom. Ugly little things, but he was almost sad to see them go.  
  
In the bedroom he found his girlfriend standing with her head out the window, shouting at someone named 'Armand' on the street below. It was only fitting that she was wearing his favorite shirt on the day that she was leaving.  
  
Not really caring, Harry threw himself on the bed, the springs giving way beneath the weight and crashing to the floor. A large cloud of dust flew p and about, making him cough halfheartedly. He let out a frustrated sigh and closed his eyes just as Amy turned around, clearly startled at the sound the bed had made.  
  
"Oh, it's only you," she said tartly.  
  
"Yes, it's only me," Harry replied into the pillow.  
  
"Harry Potter, you wake up this instant!" Amy shouted as she began to hit him in the head and arse with a very thick and precisely rolled up magazine. "NOW!"  
  
Harry rolled over at just the wrong time and was hit in the groin by her magazine. In pain, he tucked his knees up to his chin and took deep beaths as he waited for the pain to subside. This was of course not after Amy had begun to say what she needed. Not that Harry was listening.  
  
"...And then I came across this today when I was walking around," she shouted as she threw the magazine at his head.  
  
Harry reached over and picked it up to see the same copy of Witch Weekly that he had sitting next to the door. Another groan was emitted and he tossed the paper to the floor.  
  
"And do you know what it has inside of it?" Amy asked almost sweetly as she picked it up off of the floor and flipped to the middle. "DO YOU?"  
  
"No, Dear," Harry replied, knowing what was coming.  
  
"THIS!" Amy shouted as she thrust the article into his face.  
  
"Bachelor, I tell you! Not that you would have done a damn thing to correct them in any way. No, you don't appreciate me enough. All I am to you is a busty brunette to shag at night and cook in the morning. I'm telling you, it's over! DO YOU HEAR ME? IT'S OVER!"  
  
Amy threw the magazine at his head again and picked up her last remaining bag from the floor.  
  
"Armand is waiting for me downstairs," she said as she walked out, leaving Harry half asleep in the bed.  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
'I'm not antisocial and it's nothing that's reproachful. It's just natural. It's only me.'  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
"Harry, Mate, you look like shit," Ron commented as he walked in the kitchen of Harry's apartment, sitting himself down at the table. "Can I get you something? Some coffee perhaps?"  
  
Harry sat across from Ron, staring at the wall behind the other man's head. His eyes were dark underneath, the circles a bluish purple color that only accented the paleness of his face.  
  
"Coffee," Harry said groggily. "Black, just like that bitch's heart."  
  
Ron looked at Harry contemptuously for a few short seconds before getting up and making his way to the cabinet for the mug to pour the steaming liquid in.  
  
"Well at least you aren't bitter," Ron commented.  
  
"Like hell."  
  
"Look, I know she was your girlfriend and all and she only broke up with you three days ago, but did you really love her? I mean really really love her?"  
  
Harry only gruned in response, taking the offered coffee from Ron's hands quickly and downing the contents of the mug in a few short seconds.  
  
"I don't belive I have any taste buds left," Harry said.  
  
"You'll probably hate me for saying this, but I really didn't like Amy. She came across to me as one that was just using you for your money."  
  
"The sex was great."  
  
"And how was she during the waking hours?"  
  
"The sex was great then too."  
  
"So it was a great relationship," Ron commented sarcastically. "But she just wasn't for you."  
  
"Who are you to tell me who's right for me?"  
  
"I'm your best friend and that gives me all the right in the world."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"You need to get out and go meet some new people," Ron said.  
  
"I'm fine being on my own," Harry said harshly.  
  
"You know, you've got the classic symptoms of this most curious disorder..." Ron began to say.  
  
Harry cut him off. "As much as I'd love to hear your diagnosis, Doctor Weasley, why don't you save it for your patients at St. Mungos? I'm sure they need it more."  
  
"Harry, you're becoming quite the antisocial wizard."  
  
"I'm not antisocial."  
  
"It's nothing that's reproachful, I just wish that you'd get out some more. You'll see that there is more to life than Amy Billings."  
  
"And if I were to go out?"  
  
"I'd guarantee that you'd have a good time. Go to a club, find a girl, dance with her... And if nothing works out, then I'll leave you to your own."  
  
"Promise?"  
  
"Swear it."  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
'I can't think of anybody else I'd rather spend some one on one time with; it's not that hard to see. It's only me.'  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
Harry left the apartment that afternoon with Ron's agreement fresh in his mind. Sure, he had every intention of going out and meeting new people. That didn't mean that he had to like them, but at least he was keeping up his end of the bargain.  
  
Besides, he had only been dating Amy in the first place because the one person he had wanted wasn't there. Amy was a temporary position, although he had grown to like her quite a lot. But the fact remained that there was another person to occupy his thoughts now that he was a free man.  
  
Hermione Granger.  
  
Sure, she had been one of his two best friends in school, the other friend being Ron Weasley, but it wasn't against his nature to be attracted to her. He did like the smart type, of course. And she was the smartest witch he knew. Although they hadn't spoken in a few months, there was no reason to think she wouldn't mind being called up for a drink. Or dinner.  
  
Or forever.  
  
Harry sighed and looked up at the wizard sign that adorned the dull muggle street. Of course this sign couldn't be seen to anyone muggle, but it was a nice addition to the antiques shops and markets surrounding.  
  
'The Torture Chamber' was a very popular wizard establishment that had been produced by a couple of Slytherins that had been very drunk and very angry at the owner of the previous club and had been fortunate enough to aquire the place after a one-sided duel. Or so the people say. But the years had been kind to the place, as it was now the leading wizard club in all of England.  
  
Harry pulled the door open and walked inside. A smokey haze was drifting around the several hundred bodies that were moving around the room in the latest dance crazes. He smiled despite himself and proceeded into the depths of the club.  
  
"Hey there," a woman said as she attached herself to his arm. "Ain't seen you around here before."  
  
"I don't come here often. At all, actually," Harry replied as he dettached himself from the woman.  
  
"Well you're no fun."  
  
"Sorry to be so dissapointing."  
  
Harry made his way through the crowds of people and to the central location of the club. This just happened to be the bar. And the one place that Harry had been aiming to go since having left the house. He needed a good drink. Or to get drunk. Either one.  
  
"Harry?"  
  
Harry turned toward the sound of the familiar voice and was surprised to see Hermione sitting in a chair a few seats down. She had a few empty glasses in front of her and a few pieces of paper with phone numbers.  
  
"Quite the popular lady tonight, eh?" Harry asked playfully as he went and sat in the vacant seat next to her.  
  
"Always. And what about you? Was that not a beautiful woman I saw hanging on your arm as you walked in?"  
  
"Some streetwalker no less," Harry said as the bartender came up with a glass full of vodka. "What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were attached to that guy. You know, the blonde one with the tattoo. The 'rebel' as you put it."  
  
"Tim? He's long gone. What about you? Where's your girlfriend?"  
  
"With Armand. Not sure of who he is, but she left with him a few days ago."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"You really shouldn't be," Harry said as he drank the last of his vodka. "She was only there to replace you."  
  
Hermione smiled and blushed a little.  
  
"That's very flattering, but I thought that you had made an agreement with Ron to never date me."  
  
"That was a temporary thing when we were in school. After all, I couldn't have lived in the Hogwarts dorms with Ron, who was also in love with you at the time, if we would have been together."  
  
"Oh right. So you want to get out of here and maybe go for a walk? Maybe some dinner?"  
  
Harry smiled as he helped her stand from her seat.  
  
"Maybe some sex?"  
  
Harry's jaw dropped and hit the floor hard as he stared at her. Those words hadn't just come out of her mouth. Not after ten minutes of catching up. This was not the Hermione that he knew.  
  
"How about it?" she asked.  
  
"I can't think of anybody else I'd rather spend some one on one time with," he replied slyly as they walked hand in hand out the door.  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
'And if your heart is broken, you can just do what you do best. You can just do what you do. When your heart is broken, trust in the one who will love you, never put others above you.'  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
"So why the sudden change in personality? I don't think I've ever seen you this fiesty," Harry comented as they walked hand in hand back toward Harry's apartment.  
  
"I realized halfway through my last relationship that I was playing a role that didn't suit me. Tim was just out for a good shag," Hermione said wistfully. "So I decided to play my strengths and kick the bastard out. He was hanging his head in shame when he left. Well, maybe he was just trying to hide the horns, but I thought they were a nice addition."  
  
"Sex is about the only thing that connected me with Amy. That's how that relationship started, and that's how it ended. If course it wasn't sex with me that ended it, but you get the idea. She was a real bitch. Even left with my favorite shirt."  
  
"I'd hunt her down if I were you. I'd want my shirt back."  
  
Harry laughed a little and squeezed Hermione's hand.  
  
"It was the shirt that she always wore when I was away on business or if we were just laying around the house. I have no intentions of retrieveing it."  
  
"Maybe you'd like to find another shirt," Hermione said shyly. "One that I could wear around the house when you're gone or even if you're there."  
  
Harry stopped in the middle of the street and pulled Hermione to look at him. She smiled a little in the light of the streetlamp, showing her pink cheeks and chestnut eyes.  
  
"What are you trying to say, Hermione? That's you'd like to stay with me?"  
  
"Perhaps."  
  
Harry asked as he nodded his head in the direction of his apartment in the building overshadowing them. "Would you maybe like to stay for dinner?"  
  
"Would you like to stay forever?" A voice shouted from an open window above.  
  
Harry and Hermione turned to look up and see Ron hanging his head out of the window. He had a cheshire grin on his face and eyes full of mischief.  
  
"How about it?" Harry asked softly as he drew her close to his chest.  
  
The two of them locked eyes, gazing at each other for a short while. Their breathing was shallow and in sync as they grew closer and closer, their faces coming slowly closer and closer to meeting. The air was full of tension and Hermione closed her eyes as did Harry before the crucial moment arrived....  
  
"Just kiss her already!" Ron shouted from the window.  
  
Harry smiled and moved quickly to press his lips against hers, deeply throwing himself further than he ever would have thought into her mind body and soul. The kiss was one of dreams, the kind you see in muggle movies when two people are in love.  
  
Harry wrapped his arms tighter around Hermione, pulling his coat to wrap around her, keep her warm from the breezy night air. And they still stood, their lips touching in the most intimate of kisses. Caressing as lovers did or would.  
  
"Should I take that as a yes?" harry asked into her ear as he nuzzled it.  
  
"Still the daft git you were in school, I see," Hermione joked.  
  
"As long as it makes you happy."  
  
"You make me happy."  
  
"I'm so happy!" Ron howled from th window above as he dabbed at his eyes with a tissue.  
  
"He's going to have to leave before we make our way upstairs," Hermione commented.  
  
"Consider it done."  
  
And together they ascended the steps into the apartment, the rest of their lives decidedly wonderful from that moment on. With the exception of Ron, who was hexed out of the apartment upon ther entrance. But then again he was asking for it.  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
'I thought I was using me to get to you, but this is true. It's only natural, it's only me.'  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ 


End file.
